Chapter 15

Everyone didn’t crowd around; they just stood at a distance, watching curiously. Xia Li stood in the upstairs corridor, not going down. In the night, Ouyang Jing took half a step forward, leaning slightly with a posture that was somewhat urgent and sincere. Although her words were unclear, it seemed like a long speech. Yan Sishi, who was opposite her, remained silent. When she finished speaking, he responded. Ouyang Jing raised her arm to cover her face and ran away.

She ran to the tree-lined path next to the open space, where someone walked out from under the trees and stopped her, holding her shoulder. It was Lin Qingxiao. He didn’t stay where he was; instead, he turned and walked towards the tree-lined path. Passing by Lin Qingxiao and Ouyang Jing, he didn’t even glance at them. In the darkness, his expression was unclear, but his figure seemed dignified and solitary. Xia Li watched Lin Qingxiao and Ouyang Jing for a moment, then went downstairs.

Under the shadow of the trees, Ouyang Jing buried her face in Lin Qingxiao’s shoulder, sobbing quietly. The down jacket she wore had a fur collar that trembled in the cold wind, just like her. Xia Li took out a packet of tissues from her pocket, pulled out one, and silently handed it over. People walked by one after another, glancing in their direction. Xia Li pushed Lin Qingxiao and Ouyang Jing deeper into the shadow of the trees and stood in front to block the prying eyes.

At this moment, Tao Shiyue and two girls from class twenty came over. They seemed to be discussing what had just happened. Tao Shiyue said to the two girls, “…confessing without even having interacted, what’s the difference from suicide?”

Tao Shiyue’s voice wasn’t very loud, but Lin Qingxiao suddenly looked up, “Who are you talking about?!”

Tao Shiyue stopped in her tracks, clearly startled, not noticing the people under the trees. She shrugged, “I wasn’t talking about you, why are you so excited?”

“Talking behind people’s backs, what kind of skill is that?”

“I’d say it to their face too. Did I say anything wrong?”

Lin Qingxiao sneered, “You’ve interacted with others, you’re so familiar with them, so why don’t you have the courage to confess?”

“…” Tao Shiyue was momentarily speechless.

The two never got along, and Lin Qingxiao was straightforward, making the situation tense. Ouyang Jing pulled Lin Qingxiao’s sleeve and whispered, “Xiaoxiao, let it go, don’t say anything more…”

Lin Qingxiao was upset, “Just because he’s a bit handsome, what’s so great about that? You’re so beautiful, how does he not match up to you? People like him who have their eyes on top of their heads…”

“Don’t say that about him…” Ouyang Jing’s voice seemed about to break.

Lin Qingxiao rolled her eyes at Tao Shiyue and didn’t bother with her anymore, instead comforting Ouyang Jing quietly. Tao Shiyue snorted and left with her friends.

After a while, Ouyang Jing finally calmed down. Her makeup was ruined, but she still smiled at Lin Qingxiao and Xia Li, shrugging her shoulders, “Actually, this is good. Otherwise, I would always think about it and wouldn’t be able to train and study properly. Now that I’ve been rejected, I can let it go.”

“What did he say? Did he say anything particularly harsh?” Lin Qingxiao’s posture indicated that if Ouyang Jing said “yes,” she would go and confront Yan Sishi herself.

“No,” Ouyang Jing quickly said, “he thanked me for appreciating him. He said he’s actually not as good as I think. He has more important things to worry about right now and has no time to consider anything else…”

Xia Li listened, feeling as if the cold wind of the night had entered her heart. It felt as though she had also been rejected, equally sad. Yan Sishi’s style was like this, so proper, yet so cold and unreachable.

Lin Qingxiao asked, “What more important things? Is it just going abroad?”

“Probably not, I think. He seemed quite sincere.”

Ouyang Jing took a deep breath as if relieved, “I’ll go back to the classroom for a bit. Xiaoxiao, what about you?”

Lin Qingxiao said, “I might still have to organize our class’s costumes. I’ll come to your class later and treat you to ice cream.”

“Okay.” Ouyang Jing waved at them, “Bye.”

Xia Li watched Ouyang Jing’s light steps, feeling a surge of envy. Envying her courage and that such vivid memories would remain in her future. Isn’t this what youth is about, without so much weighing and calculating, thinking things through? No matter how sad something is, you can cry under the covers for a night, and the next day still show up for early study with swollen eyes.

Returning to the classroom upstairs, Tao Shiyue was organizing everyone to sing karaoke all night to celebrate the successful performance, taking advantage of the holiday tomorrow. Some agreed, while others said their families were strict and wouldn’t allow it. Usually, Lin Qingxiao would definitely go with Nie Chuhang. But she had just argued with Tao Shiyue.

She whispered to Xia Li, “Xiaxia, if you want to go, just go, don’t mind me.”

Xia Li shook her head, “I don’t want to go, I just want to go home and sleep.”

Yan Sishi had already left. Xia Li was disheartened and didn’t want to join the fun. Everyone had changed out of their costumes, and after checking that everything was in order, the class representative’s parents took them home, and tomorrow Lin Qingxiao and the art committee member would go return them.

Lin Qingxiao left with Ouyang Jing; Xu Ning, who was never interested in singing activities, didn’t join Tao Shiyue’s event and planned to go straight home. Xia Li walked out with her.

Downstairs, Xia Li was stopped by Wang Chen. He seemed clueless, “Have you seen Yan Sishi? I went to the bathroom, and he disappeared, and he still hasn’t come back.”

Xia Li teased him, “Do you know me?”

Wang Chen was puzzled by this question. He pushed his glasses and looked at her carefully, “Did I mistake you? Aren’t you the one who had dinner together…”

Xia Li was clearly in a low mood, but now she burst into laughter. “Yan Sishi has already left.”

“That’s so irresponsible! He didn’t even tell me.”

“Tao Shiyue and the others are going to sing karaoke. Aren’t you going?”

Wang Chen replied, “No. What’s constructive about such recreational activities? Boring.”

“…”

After bidding farewell to Wang Chen, Xia Li walked to the school gate with Xu Ning.

Xu Ning’s father came to pick her up and they left first.

Xia Li wandered around a bookstore near the school gate, which hadn’t closed yet, and bought some new gel pen refills.

As she stepped out, she saw Tao Shiyue and his group heading towards Tianxing Street.

Laughter echoed in the night.

Walking along the road, she took out her phone and scrolled to the “Y” in her contacts. She just looked at that letter without taking further action.

Holding her phone, she looked up at the crescent yellow moon on top of the trees and exhaled a breath of white mist.

There was a damp sense of loss in her heart, as if something was left unfinished, or a feeling of emptiness after the end of a carnival.

That night, some people were happy, some were sad, some were missing, and some were feeling a sense of loss.

And so, 2008, which belonged only to her sixteen-year-old self, ended just like that.

/

In the final exams of this semester, Xia Li ranked eighth in her class for the first time.

Since she helped with grading and tallying, she knew her results and ranking early.

The homeroom teacher, Lao Zhuang, came to check the scores. Geography teacher Wu especially pulled out her paper to show off to Lao Zhuang, “This class representative of mine has made visible progress in geography this semester.”

Lao Zhuang nodded, “Not bad. This class representative role is being done right.”

Lao Zhuang was not one to smile often. Even when praising, he kept a stern face, which made Xia Li nervous, thinking she would rather be criticized.

Teacher Wu said, “Keep up this state and continue to strive hard.”

Many students in the class could get along with the teachers like friends, such as the class monitor and Xiao Yulong. If it were them, they would definitely joke with the teachers at this moment.

Xia Li, however, felt uneasy and could only manage a stiff, “I’ll keep working hard.”

Back in the classroom, Lin Qingxiao and Xu Ning’s notes were passed over, both asking her to spoil the results.

Lin Qingxiao chatted about gossip daily, flirted with Nie Chuhang, watched dramas, followed celebrities, and read extracurricular books. Her mind was never fully on studying.

But she was very smart. Despite her distractions, she always managed to maintain decent grades in exams.

This time, Lin Qingxiao ranked fourteenth, and Xu Ning was twenty-second, not much different from their usual monthly test rankings.

They were only in their second year of high school, and there wasn’t much pressure. Besides, with the winter break approaching, everyone’s minds were a bit scattered.

Xia Li wondered if she was the only one not looking forward to the break.

Once she left school, she would have no interaction with Yan Sishi at all.

Xia Li’s hometown was in a small town. Every year, they went back to celebrate the New Year because her grandparents were still alive.

She attended elementary school in her hometown and transferred to Chucheng in the first year of middle school. Over time, she drifted away from her elementary school friends. When she returned home, she found no one to hang out with, which was incredibly boring.

Her only entertainment was chatting on QQ with Lin Qingxiao and Xu Ning.

Back then, QQ was still a JAVA program, with poor signal in small towns, frequently disconnecting. Data charges were high, and she could only afford to use the no-image mode.

With poor network and nothing to do, she would gnaw on an English original book, determined to finish it within three months.

By the sixth day of the lunar new year, when she returned to Chucheng, Xia Li had to accompany her parents to visit colleagues and leaders for New Year’s greetings.

Luo Weiguo’s family lived in a new house in the city center, which was newly renovated last summer and just moved into for the New Year.

It was a spacious and bright three-bedroom apartment.

Xia Jianyang looked at it with envy.

Luo Weiguo said that in a few years, Chucheng would host the provincial games, and housing prices would definitely soar. If they wanted to buy a house, they should do it now.

Xia Jianyang smiled awkwardly and agreed.

Every time Xia Li saw this scene, she felt a pang of bitterness, thinking, “What’s so great about it?”

At the dinner table, Luo Weiguo asked Xia Li about her final exam results.

Before she could answer, Xia Jianyang spoke up, “She ranked eighth in her class this time.”

Luo Weiguo, upon hearing this, pushed his son who was gnawing on a chicken leg, “When will you ever get such grades!”

Luo Wei almost buried his face in his rice bowl and rolled his eyes, “What for!”

Luo Weiguo was successful in every aspect except his son, Luo Wei, who was in the third year of middle school: dating, smoking, fighting, going to internet cafes, mingling with shady characters… He did everything except study well.

Even so, Luo Weiguo still felt a sense of superiority over Xia Jianyang: no matter how good your daughter’s grades are, she’s still just a girl.

Xia Li’s aversion to those hooligan-like boys initially stemmed from Luo Wei. She really despised this person. When she first transferred to Chucheng in her first year of middle school, Luo Wei, still in elementary school, had humiliated her by mocking her as a country bumpkin. Luo Weiguo knew she had good grades and asked her to tutor Luo Wei. At that time, Luo Weiguo had just helped Xia Li with her transfer procedures, so she had no way to refuse. The summer of that year, transitioning from elementary to middle school, was a nightmare for her.

After dinner, she returned to the living room to sit. Xia Li took out her phone to reply to Xu Ning’s messages. Luo Wei glanced at her sideways, his bangs covering his eyes, giving him a particularly sinister look. “Still using that crappy phone?”

Xia Li couldn’t be bothered with him. “Who are you chatting with? Your boyfriend?”

“None of your business.” Xia Li retorted softly but firmly.

Luo Wei snorted coldly, rolling his eyes at her, “Country bumpkin.” At least, now that he was in middle school, Luo Wei was no longer as childish as he had been in elementary school, no longer sneaking cockroaches into the back of her collar.

In the second semester of sophomore year, Valentine’s Day came shortly after the start of the term. Lin Qingxiao gave Nie Chuhang chocolates, which she had made herself by melting and shaping them in a mold. Xia Li and Xu Ning laughed at her for being overly girlish. Xia Li herself hadn’t prepared anything, not wanting to support such wasteful behavior – Yan Sishi’s desk drawer would be filled with love letters and chocolates, all of which would inevitably end up in the trash.

Once the initial chaos of the new term settled, the school radio station began preparing for its handover. That day, Xia Li flipped through her diary and saw a circle around February 19th with a “Y” marked on it. February 19th was Yan Sishi’s birthday. She calculated the timing of the handover and suddenly had a bold idea. February 19th was a Thursday.

After the last class ended and the teacher left, Xia Li immediately grabbed her MP3 player and the dinner she had bought earlier, and dashed out of the classroom. She went to the radio station, unlocked the door, and adjusted the equipment. Shortly after, the announcer for that day’s program arrived. The announcer was a freshman girl who looked at Xia Li with some confusion, “Senior, are you today’s director?”

Xia Li explained, “I switched with someone. Tomorrow evening is the meeting for the handover; today should be my last time working at the radio station.”

The junior nodded, “I’ll do my best to make this a perfect ending for you.”

Xia Li smiled, “Thank you.” She connected her MP3 player and opened a folder named “Y”. Once the announcer finished the opening, she turned up the volume. The music playing through the radio was from Yan Sishi’s playlist, Monta’s “Farewell Dear Ghost”. Yan Sishi liked obscure artists and bands like Monta, Matt Duke, Sonic Youth, and Hung Joelik – finding and downloading their music had been quite a task for her. She didn’t know how many times she’d listened to the songs in that folder, especially during the idle days spent in her hometown over the New Year.

By now, she could sing along to each song, even mimicking the Cantonese lyrics accurately. Her favorite was Hung Joelik’s “Boy Sees Wild Rose,” which she saved for the last part of the program. As dusk fell outside, the music played, and Xia Li stopped speaking, moving to the window and resting her arms on the frame, quietly listening in the cool twilight.

Somewhere on campus, Yan Sishi must be listening too.

“Roses were originally countless
But I know he is always willing to be pricked several times
To find the right one”

Yan Sishi. I wish you find your wild rose. Happy birthday.

After the program ended, Xia Li asked the announcer to wait a moment while she went to the bathroom. She would be back soon to clean up and lock the door. Xia Li went to the basement level to use the bathroom and returned to the radio station. The junior excitedly approached her, “Senior, guess who came by?”

“Who?”

“Yan Sishi!”

Yan Sishi was not only famous among sophomores but was exceptionally handsome, standing out even in Mingzhong. Anyone with a slight interest in campus gossip would have heard his name. Xia Li froze, “…Why did he come?”

“He asked who chose the songs for the program.”

Xia Li’s heart raced, “What did you tell him?”

“I said all the songs were requested by students. The request box is outside on the first floor, and if he wanted to request, he could submit a form.”

“And then?”

“Then he left.” The junior, realizing she might have missed an opportunity, lamented, “…Should I have explained more about the request process?”

Xia Li didn’t respond, her heart pounding. The junior continued to gush about how Yan Sishi was even more handsome in person than described. Xia Li responded absentmindedly, feeling conflicted. She had acted covertly out of fear of being discovered, yet she felt a pang of disappointment when she almost was. The junior left, and Xia Li lingered in the broadcasting room. Although she had acted out of personal interest, her words to the junior were not entirely untrue. After working at the radio station for a year and a half, and as the station manager for a year, she had developed a certain attachment to the broadcasting room. This last program of her career, given as a gift to the boy she liked, was the perfect ending.

She checked the equipment, turned off the power, and took one last look around the broadcasting room before leaving and locking the door. Exiting the clock tower and crossing the corridor, she walked to the classroom of Class 20. Out of habit, she glanced inside but didn’t see Yan Sishi. Instead, she saw Wang Chen, surrounded by several girls. Wang Chen, his arms full of forcibly given gifts, looked exasperated, “…Can you guys give these to him directly? I’m not a messenger!”

The girls replied, “He’s not here! Just help us put them on his desk.”

Wang Chen let out a sigh.

It was difficult for him as a bookworm to handle these things.

After those few girls left, Xia Li approached Wang Chen and greeted him.

Wang Chen stared at her. “Are you here to give him a gift too? Don’t bother. He won’t accept them. He just throws them in the trash without opening.”

Xia Li shook her head.

She already knew this, so she didn’t bother from the beginning. “Isn’t he out of the classroom?”

“Girls come looking for him right after class. He finds it annoying and goes to find a quiet place.”

A quiet place.

Xia Li’s heart skipped a beat.

She glanced at the clock hanging in Classroom 20. There was still more than twenty minutes left until the evening study session. She turned around and ran back.

By now, there weren’t many people in the northeast corner of the campus.

The clock tower was even quieter.

Xia Li climbed to the fourth floor in one breath. She breathed smoothly, extended her hand, grasped the door handle, paused for a moment, and pushed it open.

The light was on inside, a dim one.

The boy standing by the window heard the movement and suddenly turned around.

Xia Li’s breathing immediately eased.

This was her secret base, the place she had shared with Yan Si Shi.

And sure enough, he was here.

Realizing this, Xia Li felt a dizzying sense of unreality.

“Ah… Hello. I thought there was no one here and wanted to be alone for a while… Did I disturb you?”

“No.” Yan Si Shi shook his head. “Just borrowing your space.”

Xia Li smiled. “It’s not my place, just a place I found.”

The wind blowing in from outside was still cold, and Yan Si Shi was wearing his school uniform jacket over a white shirt, which seemed a bit thin but suited him. He looked as clear and pure as moonlight covered in frost.

“Have you eaten?” Xia Li asked.

“No.”

Xia Li walked over and handed him an unopened red bean paste bun. “Then please have this. It’s the best bread from the school store.”

Yan Si Shi leaned on the window sill with both arms, paused for a moment, and then reached out to take it. “Thank you.”

As he unwrapped the plastic packaging, it made a rustling sound.

Xia Li stood beside him and didn’t speak for a moment.

Yan Si Shi ate slowly and methodically, unlike the students who rushed through their meals at the cafeteria during regular meal times.

“Did you just pass by Classroom 20?” Yan Si Shi asked suddenly, tearing off a piece of bread.

“Yeah.”

“Is someone blocking Wang Chen?”

“… I didn’t pay much attention. It seems like there was.”

Maybe because of lying, or because she was standing so close to him, her ears hidden under her hair were burning, and she wished she could bury her head in the cold wind to cool down.

Yan Si Shi just responded with an “I see”.

Xia Li didn’t say anything more.

Just existing quietly in the same space made it difficult for her to speak out of fear of revealing too much.

Yan Si Shi also remained silent, quietly eating.

Until he was almost finished, he took out his phone and checked the time.

Xia Li suddenly came to her senses and asked, “What time is it?”

“It’s almost time for the evening study session.”

“Oh, I have to go back to the classroom…”

Yan Si Shi said, “Let’s go then.”

Xia Li nodded and watched Yan Si Shi turn around. She followed him.

At the door switch, Xia Li pressed it and walked out of the classroom door. Suddenly, she remembered something. “Um…”

“Hmm?” Yan Si Shi held the door, letting her go first.

“If you come here during evening study session time, make sure not to turn on the lights. If a teacher sees the lights on from outside, they’ll come to check.”

“Have you been caught?”

“Yeah… I once skipped evening study.”

The stairs had motion-sensor lights. Yan Si Shi clapped his hands, and when the light came on, he said, “You don’t seem like someone who would skip class.”

“And you don’t seem like someone who would smoke.”

“Is that so?”

Yan Si Shi seemed to be speaking more lightly and cheerfully today than usual. The way he said “Is that so?” almost made her imagine him smiling faintly.

But she had never seen him smile.

Her heart felt like boiling water, nearly reaching its boiling point, making a noisy sound.

She really wanted to turn around and take a look to confirm, but she didn’t dare. That would be too deliberate.

They arrived downstairs.

On the wall next to the clock tower, a cluster of winter jasmine flowers bloomed in a beautiful light yellow color.

Xia Li headed towards the classroom, but when she glanced at Yan Si Shi, he seemed to be heading towards the school gate.

“Aren’t you going back to the classroom?”

“I’m going straight home.”

Xia Li guessed that he probably didn’t want to go back and deal with the pile of love letters and gifts on the table. During the break of the evening study session, there would probably be people waiting at the gate to catch him, so he might as well skip class.

“Well then, I’ll go back to the classroom. Bye.”

“Thanks for the bread.”

His solemn thanks made Xia Li feel a bit at a loss for words.

She hesitated for a moment, nodded dumbly, and said goodbye again.

She was about to take a step forward when Xia Li hesitated.

She looked at the young man in front of her bathed in the thin light. “Um…”

“Hmm?”

She was still curious, so she ventured to ask, “You seem to be in a good mood today.”

“It’s my birthday,” Yan Si Shi said. “I listened to a favorite song.”

Xia Li smiled.

In her heart, ten thousand white doves flapped their wings, fluttering and flying into the sky.

“…Happy birthday.”

Finally, she could say it to him face to face.