Chapter 46

Chapter 46

Dong Yang was carrying a cup of hot tea and was about to enter when Li Longji, without turning his head, snapped coldly, “Get out!” Startled, she stepped back three paces. Li Longji continued in a cold voice, “Tell everyone to withdraw. No one is to come near without my order.” She answered and bowed, then retreated.

After the room fell silent, he slowly crouched down to her level and looked straight at me. I watched the candlelight reflected in his dark eyes and tried to avoid his gaze, but he suddenly pinched my chin so hard I couldn’t move. He stared at me and said, “Today I stood outside the door and listened to you play the entire Guangling San. Even after you left, the people inside were still talking about the piece, praising it without end.” He squeezed my chin until it hurt, but I refused to speak; there was nothing I wanted or could say.

He was quiet for a moment; his eyes were heavy with intoxication, but his voice was soft. “You’re right. We’ve known each other since childhood and been through many things others don’t know, so I have always held you in high regard. But do you know how happy I was the day the imperial edict granted our marriage? After Mother Concubine passed away, and then Da Junchen was imprisoned, aside from my father and brothers, you and I were the closest. After the edict was announced, I personally learned from the gardener how to cultivate qionghua and asked Shen Qiu every day about dietary therapy. Since taking your leave and coming out, you’ve lived in this mansion for half a year. Do you know there is a Qionghua Garden in the residence? Do you know that everything you eat each day has been personally inspected by me, fearing any mistake, fearing anyone might tamper with it in secret?”

His feelings—over all these years—boiled down to that one sentence from that night. Even now, every word he speaks is something I never expected, something I have long been deeply afraid of. I stared at him dumbly; in those eyes that usually lounged and joked away the day, there was too much of what I did not want, rushing at me, striking hard at my heart.

Seeing that I remained silent, he softened his voice and said, “Yongan, you should have been my wife, the princess of this Linzi Prince Mansion. Yet I watched you step to where you are now and could do nothing. How I wished you had willingly married me. If there had been even a sliver of a chance, I would never have let any woman rise above you. But you never took it to heart. Among the women in the residence, you always managed to avoid them carefully—never vying for favor, never giving anyone leverage. Even with me, you avoided me whenever you could.”

A wave of fatigue washed over me; looking at the turbulent storm in his eyes, I felt an inexplicable panic.

I don’t know when it started, but every night around this hour my whole body aches and I can’t summon any strength. I thought it was just sleepiness, but even faced with his seething anger I still couldn’t rouse myself, and a bad feeling grew in my chest. I forced my head to shake and even speaking felt like a struggle: “Prince, please go back.”

He was too drunk for words; with his temperament, it would be better to wait until he sobered up tomorrow to speak of anything.

He released my hand, stood up, bracing himself on the table, and spoke each word distinctly: “My elder brother and I married on the same day; he still has no son. Don’t you find that strange?” I gasped a few breaths, forcing myself to clear my mind. He continued, “My elder brother’s mansion rarely has concubines share the bed; anyone who enters a room is given medicine the next day. Do you know what he’s doing? I know, Second Brother knows—won’t the man on the dragon throne figure it out?”

I lifted my head and stared at him; images doubled and overlapped before my eyes. He continued, “As the eldest son of the Prime Minister, you’ve taken concubines for three years already but have no sons. The two of you committed taboos and were punished accordingly. The Grand Empress Dowager is so suspicious—how much longer can you keep this up?”

He lowered his gaze to me. My heart was a tangle of confusion. I tried to push myself up, but my arms were too weak to muster any strength. Just as I grew suffocated, he stepped forward and seized me in a sudden embrace. “Yong’an,” he said, “it’s not only you and him who felt desire—there was me too.”

My mind went blank in an instant. I wanted to shove him away, but I couldn’t move at all and could only let him press closer with every step. The intoxication in his eyes deepened as he murmured softly, “Yong’an, in the end you can’t bear to push me away, can you…”

Under his ever-more obvious attachment, my heart felt as if it were being violently torn, pain so intense I could hardly contain it. The world blurred black at the edges and tears kept streaming down. I felt him lift me sideways, my back hitting the bed, and he tore down the bed curtains, pinning me beneath him…

I was sick for half a month straight, and it wasn’t until just before the Double Ninth Festival that I finally left my room.

I heard Li Longji’s birthday banquet was quite a lively affair. Dongyang put on a face, talking about gifts from the princess and Lady Liu, but there was a flicker of joy in his eyes. During those two weeks Li Longji hadn’t gone anywhere except to sit by my bed; he personally served tea, poured water, fed me porridge, and tasted dishes—doing everything himself. The servants in the residence reacted subtly to that, treating both Dongyang and Xiazhi noticeably differently.

Whether he was animatedly joking or quietly sitting and watching me, I never spoke a single word to him.

One day he leaned by the bed and talked to me for half an hour. When I kept ignoring him, he suddenly grabbed my wrist so hard I nearly fell off the bed. I pulled away and whispered, “It hurts.” He froze, then abruptly let go and sat on the edge of the bed. He was about to say something when I couldn’t hold back and started to cry.

The crying grew louder and louder, and nothing could stop it.

Xiazhi, who had been standing outside the door, rushed in, his face ashen as he looked at me. Li Longji shot him a cold glare and he awkwardly backed out. He sat in front of me without daring to move. I let myself cry for a long time, then gradually sobbed and stopped. He reached out to wipe my tears, but I held his hand away. “You haven’t slept well these past two weeks. You don’t need to stay with me tonight.”

Who was I supposed to blame? Blame Ayi for giving me medicine? She only wanted me and Li Longji to consummate the marriage sooner so there would be fewer troubles. Blame Li Longji for losing himself in drink? He had married me for two years and never once treated me carelessly; he yielded at every turn. If not for being drunk and finding me offering no resistance that day, he wouldn’t have done it. I’m no saint, but when it came time to resent someone, no one truly had sinned.

He reached out again to wipe my tears. “Yongan, I’ll see you out of the mansion.” I twisted my mouth into a smile. “Take me where? To the Shouchun Prince’s residence? The Imperial Grandmother has finally let down her guard, the Crown Princess watches you every day, and Aunt is neither friend nor foe. After so many years, what exactly have we been hiding?”

He clenched his face tight and did not speak.

I said again, “That day you knew I was there, knew he could tell it was my pipa he heard, yet you still came in and said those things — you were forcing him to let go. Li Longji, you couldn’t accept it, you wouldn’t let go, so you forced him. You used his compassion, used our marriage — you used me and the name of husband and wife to force him!” As I spoke I took big, ragged breaths and stared at him.

Li Longji clenched his fists and said in a low voice, “Yes! I forced him! I couldn’t accept it. I want you — I want you by my side forever! But I also want him safe. Right now, the man who sits on the throne is still watching us, watching over us; the Crown Prince and the princess are watching us brothers, watching my father’s line!” He suddenly stood up, restraining his voice, “One misstep, every step is wrong — he cannot be allowed to make another mistake!”

I drew a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down, but felt a stabbing pain in my chest that would not abate. After a long while I managed a bitter laugh and said, “One wrong step leads to another, Li Longji. Do you know how long we’ve been wrong? Ever since Di Renjie became chancellor, my heart belonged to him alone — you were only eight then! In the third year of Tianshou I secretly pledged myself to him; in the second year of Changshou, when the king was falsely accused of treason, I risked my life to see him in prison — did you ever know that? Nine years of knowing each other, there are so many things between us you don’t know, so much endurance and helplessness,” I clenched the embroidered blanket in my hands, speaking each word slowly, “A loved one’s life is not worth trading for the world. He said those words to me himself, and you used them to try to force him!”

Li Longji stood there dumbfounded, staring at me, unable to utter a single word. My chest felt as if it were on fire, my heart about to burst out of my ribs. I bit my lip until my tongue tasted metallic, wiped my eyes and murmured, “If it weren’t for him, I would never have appeared at Fengyang Gate, and I would never have gotten so close to you. The closeness you see is only the bond between him and me.”

Pain clouded his eyes as he stared at me in a daze. “Yongan, we’ve known each other since childhood too; don’t you have even a little affection for me?” I looked at him calmly. “Yes — you are his biological younger brother, someone I’ve always tried my best to protect. Your safety is his safety.” He walked to the table, downed a cup of cold tea, held the cup in his palm for a long time, slowly set it down, and hurried out of the room.

After he left, Xia Zhi hurried in and brought me a cup of hot tea. I looked into her tender eyes and shook my head. Li Longji had not parted from me for half a month; whatever she had to say, she could do nothing but watch from afar, unable to voice it.

After a while, I handed her the teacup and said softly, “Bring a message to the Prince for me.” She was Li Chengqi’s person; there would surely be a way to pass it along. She nodded and looked at me, saying, “Please tell me, madam.” I was silent for a moment, then forced a bitter smile and shook my head, “You may go.”

She looked at me in surprise, as if about to speak but stopped herself, and finally said nothing and withdrew.