Chapter 45

Chapter 45

I lowered my head, mulling over her words, unable to decide.

We had known each other for nearly ten years; even a brief moment of warmth had been his gift to me. Since leaving with Li Longji, I had to constantly avoid certain people at the prince’s mansion, and because Wang Huan went so far as to avoid even ordinary family dinners, the chances for him and me to meet grew fewer. Even at the banquet before Di Renjie went on campaign, our eyes only crossed; we didn’t dare exchange more than a glance.

For Li Longji’s birthday I could loudly and ostentatiously prepare gifts, but for his birthday I can do nothing. Thinking this, I finally looked up at Xia Zhi—how much of what she said should I really believe?

At that moment the crowd in front of the painted tower was thinning. Winter Yang turned back, smiling at Xia Zhi, and said, “You don’t speak much usually, but just now you and the madam were whispering together—was there something interesting you were trying to hide from me?” Xia Zhi pursed her lips and smiled, answering softly, “Madam is fond of reading, and I just remembered The Discourse on Releasing the Private, so I asked her a couple of questions.”

After she finished speaking she glanced at me, and my heart immediately lightened. Not many people knew about that scroll of “On Private Matters”; for a maid to casually reveal such a secret, it seemed Li Chengqi had already given prior instructions.

Dongyang made an “ah” and complained, “The madam loves reading, and you only ask about books—are you trying to bore me to death?” Xia Zhi shook her head and said softly, “If you want some fun, come persuade the madam with me. Today happens to be the Great Prince’s birthday, and we’re in this painted pavilion—why not let me go in and see an old acquaintance to arrange a little something? Let the madam have a convenient song to offer and add some extra beauty to the occasion.” Dongyang blinked, then understood at once; his eyes brightened and he said, “Good idea!”

Assured by Xia Zhi’s identity, I relaxed and let her lead us in through the back door. Dongyang and I stood outside a side room waiting. After a short while Xia Zhi returned quietly, nodded, and signaled us to go up to the second floor of the painted pavilion. A middle-aged courtesan stood at the doorway; seeing the three of us, she hurriedly welcomed us inside. The room was filled with every kind of musical instrument imaginable.

The middle-aged courtesan chuckled lightly, “Inside I’ve arranged a few familiar pieces to be ready. I’ve already given the orders—madam can pick whatever song is handy. When the time comes, we’ll say the musician suddenly felt unwell and was replaced.” Xia Zhi nodded and smiled, “Our madam and the prince are old acquaintances; we’re just taking this chance to offer a song as a playful jest for him. Thank you, Yu-niang, for your help.”

Yu Niang hurriedly waved her hand and said, “This is the madam’s doing. Now that the prince is coming today, I racked my brains and couldn’t think of anything spectacular. Those tunes the court musicians usually play are good, but everyone’s heard them before; compared with the madam’s idea, they really fall short.”

Xiazhi smiled and said a few more words to her, and having roughly agreed on what to say, Yu Niang was about to withdraw when I hurried, “Wait.” Yu Niang stopped and looked at me. “Does the madam have further instructions?” I smiled and said, “I’m an old acquaintance of the prince, and these two at my side have been with me for years; if someone asks questions and recognizes our voices, that will be awkward. Better have you pick a quick-witted person—if anyone asks, they can say I cannot speak and answer for me as needed. If pressed, they can use brush and ink to write a reply.”

Since this is a banquet, there might well be people present who know me, so it’s safer to arrange it this way. If any trouble arises, we can finish a song and take our leave, and no one need ever know.

Yu Niang hastened to smile and said, “The madam is so thoughtful. I’ll go find someone right away.”

After she left, I smiled at Xia Zhi and Dong Yang and said, “You two wait outside for a bit. If I feel there are too many people, I won’t show myself for now — we’ll just treat this as a bit of fun, alright?” They both nodded. Dong Yang’s interest immediately piqued as he looked at the room full of instruments. “I’ve never seen madam play before. I’m getting to see something new today.”

I smiled, glanced over the instruments on the rack, and picked out a convenient pipa, plucking a few notes to try it out. My aunt had once made a name for herself in Xihe with her pipa; I started learning from her at six, and in four years I picked up a few good pieces. But after so many years in the palace, my practice had been only occasional, and I still played only those same pieces — well practiced, but nothing particularly dazzling.

As I toyed with it, pondering which piece to choose, Madam Yu brought a young girl in, said a few curt words, and led the two of us into a small inner chamber. Beaded curtains separated inside from out, and there was a screen; I could hear voices conversing within, but could not see any of the guests’ faces. When she first came in, Madam Yu had made it clear that there weren’t many people today, only two tables gathered, and listening to the laughter and talk—mostly strangers—I realized only Li Chengyi was present, which steadied me.

Only when I sat down holding the pipa did I feel my heart racing violently, as if it would burst from my chest.

“Why hasn’t Longji arrived yet?” Li Chengqi suddenly asked. Someone at his side chuckled softly, “I heard the newly entered Mrs. Liu is with child—perhaps the beauty is nearby and has caused a delay.” Li Chengqi responded with a faint “hmm” and said no more.

Hearing his familiar voice, I suddenly thought of a tune. Since he had once arranged Guangling San into a flute piece, I might as well adapt it into a pipa piece; then and now, it would be my way of returning a melody to him.

I steeled myself, gestured for the girl to come closer, and whispered something to her. She nodded, straightened, and said, “Reporting to the Prince: there is only one song left on today’s program. The court musician suddenly felt unwell and dared not come up to disturb Your Highness and our esteemed guests, so we’ve asked a newcomer to perform instead. I beg Your Highness not to take offense.”

Li Chengqi let out a chuckle and said warmly, “No matter. I’ve heard the pieces played here many times before; a different player will be fine.” The young girl hurriedly replied, “The piece this person will present is rather fresh, so the title won’t be announced for now. I ask everyone to listen closely.” Someone inside answered, and my hand—holding the plectrum—actually began to sweat faintly.

When the conversation in the inner room resumed, I took a deep breath and began to play.

That piece from the Longsheng Hall was already engraved in my mind; at that moment it wasn’t particularly difficult to perform. As I started, all I could see in my head was him standing tall in the hall, flute in hand and smiling. As my fingers grew more fluent, the voices beyond the partition gradually faded away, and he made no further sound.

A warm breeze came in through the window, stirring the silence between him and me.

On the Hall of Everlasting Life there was a flute tune only I understood; today in the painted tower this pipa piece—can you make sense of it?

When the final note fell, someone in the partition finally cleared their throat, and questions came thick and fast, mostly asking my name and which teahouse I usually played at. The young girl answered as she had before, and the people inside murmured with pity, saying what a fine zither-player, yet a mute girl.

I was secretly smiling when Li Chengqi suddenly asked, “Does the young lady know how to write?” My heart leapt and my ears burned—I had been found out. The girl looked at me in a hurry; I nodded, leaned to her ear and whispered something. She smiled and nodded, replying, “Yes, I can—only, this music girl has rules: she always takes the brush to reply to the patron herself, and pays no heed to others.”

A few people inside laughed. Someone said, “This rule sounds odd—perhaps the courtesan learned the guest today is the Shouchun Commandery Prince and made it up on the spot?” Before he finished, another chimed in, “The Shouchun Prince is famous for his flute; those skilled in music naturally admire him. Besides, he’s a handsome young rake—no doubt the beauty behind the beaded curtain and screen has long since secretly given her heart to him.” Once that was said, more voices echoed in agreement, laughter following—a string of teasing remarks.

Li Chengqi remained silent the whole time. After the crowd had had their fill, he spoke kindly, “Many thanks for your performance of Guangling San. If you don’t mind, please leave your name in ink; if fate allows, I will surely make friends with music one day.”

The young girl lowered her head and looked at me. I nodded, handed her the pipa, and walked to the window table. As instructed earlier, Madam Yu had already laid out brush, ink, paper, and inkstone. I thought for a moment, then raised my wrist and wrote a few words: The heart does not tether to the body, it only longs when moved by feeling.

After setting down the brush, I stared at those characters, my face burning with embarrassment. Once the ink had dried, I folded the paper and handed it to the girl. She took the paper and hurried out from behind the beaded curtain. After a long wait, we finally heard Li Chengqi sigh softly from outside and say in a gentle voice, “Thank you, miss.”

My heart was so full I could almost see my own smile; when the little girl came back I simply made a hand gesture at her. That song was my whim, done on impulse; with so many people watching now, it’s time to leave.

Just as I opened the door, I suddenly heard someone enter the outer room through the front entrance, saying, “Big brother, I’m late.” It was Li Longji. I froze for a moment without meaning to; he went on, “I was going to bring Yong’an with me, but she isn’t feeling well today, so she asked me to bring a gift instead.”

I drew a sharp breath and stood dazed by the door.

Could it be that when he came to my room this afternoon, it was to bring me here? But why did he change his mind? My thoughts scrambled. I remembered how in my room he had closed in on me step by step, his face shifting from cold to playful, and I began to suspect something. The brief pleasure of that moment had already faded, leaving only a creeping chill in my chest.

It was me who’d been avoiding it all along — what he said on the day he married Wang Huan wasn’t a lie; I had merely treated it as a joke out of selfishness. For two years, under the name of being husband and wife, they stayed distant and tepid. I thought he might have taken concubines and so had forgotten our youthful bond. Only now do I see how wrong I was.

Li Chengqi didn’t reply at once; someone beside him chuckled and said a few words, then he smiled and said, “It’s nothing, please sit down first.”

I stood at the doorway like a scattered soul, feeling someone tug my sleeve. Seeing the young girl looking at me in confusion, I hurriedly smiled at her and stepped out of the room. Xia Zhi and Dong Yang were standing just outside; when they saw me come out they exchanged a glance — they must have heard what Li Longji said — and said nothing further, following me as I hurried down the stairs and left the pleasure boat.

When I returned to the room, my aunt happened to be there. At this hour each day she would personally bring tonic soup and chat with me for a little while. Today, seeing my expression, she didn’t press me; after I drank the soup she took her leave.

I dismissed everyone and sat alone until the lights were raised, only then hearing footsteps at the door.

Li Longji was about seventy or eighty percent drunk. He squinted and walked up to me, dusk heavy in his eyes, emotions indistinguishable. I lowered my head to avoid his gaze and stood up to tell Dongyang to prepare a sobering soup, but felt a weight on my shoulder and was pressed back into my original place by him.