Chapter 23
“Song Jia Nan… could you sing Courage as my Christmas present?”
It was as if all the lights around her had lost their brilliance in an instant.
The laughter and cheerful voices around her no longer reached her ears.
She slowly tightened her grip on the phone and quietly walked to the most secluded corner of the square.
Neither of them spoke.
Song Jia Nan could hear nothing but her own soft, careful breathing.
The sky was still a deep bluish-black, wrapped in a heavy, lingering chill.
Yet the darkness in her heart seemed to be slowly lifting.
She heard herself answer softly,
“…Okay.”
A gust of wind swept past, lifting her hair.
The ends whipped against her eyes, stinging so badly they almost brought tears.
She couldn’t remember all the lyrics.
Nor could she sing the melody perfectly.
She simply followed her instincts, humming softly.
“At last I’ve made this decision. I don’t care what other people say. As long as you feel the same, I’d willingly follow you to the ends of the earth. I know none of this is easy. My heart keeps trying to convince itself… what I fear most is hearing you suddenly say you want to give up…”
She was singing softly to herself.
She became so absorbed that she completely forgot the person listening on the other end of the phone.
Only when numbness spread through her arm from holding the phone for so long did she realize her vision had become blurred.
She wasn’t sobbing.
But her eyes were filled with tears.
At last…
She could finally sing this song with courage.
The other end of the line was unbelievably quiet.
After a long silence, Xi Luoyu finally spoke.
“Thank you, Song Jia Nan. It was beautiful. This is the best Christmas present I’ve ever received.”
She forced a faint smile, not knowing what to say.
In the end, all her words dissolved into a quiet sigh.
Then Xi Luoyu spoke again.
His voice wasn’t loud, but it startled her.
“Song Jia Nan, do you know something? Our whole lives are spent meeting people and missing them. But there are some kinds of waiting that can’t last forever… because before they ever come true, they’ve already withered away in our hearts.”
“I don’t understand… No, I do understand, but…”
“A person can’t spend an entire lifetime living in memories, living in the past. Your love has become an illusion because you’ve kept waiting. You refuse to wake up, but other people can see it clearly. You don’t understand… but I do.”
He paused briefly, his voice growing lower.
“I don’t know your past, and you don’t know mine. But… I can vaguely sense it.”
“I used to really like a girl. Even now, I can still remember what she looked like. She had short hair, and whenever she smiled, she seemed full of life. She was famous throughout the university. Back then, I was just an ordinary guy—no wealthy family, no extraordinary talent, nothing special. Just another average college student. By chance, during our junior year, we took the same elective course, and after that… we got together.”
Song Jia Nan’s heart trembled.
She held her breath and listened.
“Back then, I loved her so much that even if I placed the whole world in her hands, it still wouldn’t have felt like enough. Just seeing her smile made me happy. But one day, she suddenly said, ‘I’m sorry.’ At that moment, I understood. There was someone in her past she could never forget. I tried to persuade her. I tried to change her mind. But she rejected me again and again. Later, she went abroad… and I became just like she used to be, unable to escape the past.”
“The food chain of love,” Song Jia Nan said helplessly.
Yet beneath her words lay a trace of sadness.
It turned out…
Everyone carried painful memories.
What surprised her even more was that…
She felt just the slightest hint of jealousy.
“Yeah. Like a food chain. The lower you are, the more insignificant you become.” He chuckled softly. “Back then it felt as if every belief I had was stripped away. I simply lived day after day—going to class, reading, eating, sleeping. Other than that, my mind was filled with nothing but her. Plenty of girls showed interest in me afterward, but I rejected every single one of them.”
He paused before laughing.
“Back then, I thought I was being noble. I guarded that last bit of love as though those beautiful days might somehow return… as though she’d come back to me. Song Jia Nan… you feel the same way, don’t you?”
“Hm?”
The sudden question caught her completely off guard.
She lowered her head to look at the grass beneath her feet before answering vaguely,
“…Yes. It feels as though, as long as you hold on to what’s in your heart, time will surely turn back, and everything can begin again.”
“Only later did I realize how wrong I was.” He let out a soft laugh. “Or rather… I finally woke up.”
His sigh sounded more like relief than sorrow.
It blended into the endless night, yet somehow it made Song Jia Nan’s heart tighten.
“It happened at the airport. I saw her standing there with another man. They were holding hands, looking so happy together. I just stood there, frozen. I didn’t know what I was feeling. She saw me, smiled, waved at me, and then went through another security checkpoint. Later, while I sat in the departure lounge, I watched airplane after airplane soar into the sky beyond the huge glass windows. I had no idea which one carried my first love away. Then… I suddenly felt at peace. I thought… let the airplane bury all the pain of my first love somewhere beyond that endless sky.”
“Xi Luoyu…”
For the first time, Song Jia Nan spoke with complete seriousness.
“I understand. There have been countless times when I wanted to break free too. But… I could never truly let go. I could never erase the past completely.”
“No one’s asking you to forget it. No one’s forcing you to forget. Besides, can simply forgetting really erase everything you’ve lived through?”
He spoke slowly, emphasizing every word.
“You have to learn to accept reality and live in the present. Memories of the past exist so you can live better now—not so you can pity yourself.”
She took a deep breath.
She found she couldn’t argue with him.
At last, a trace of laughter returned to his voice.
But his next question caught her even more off guard.
“Song Jia Nan… I’ve always wanted to know something. Why is it that whenever someone treats you well, you reject them without even thinking?”
She gave a soft laugh.
“You’ve asked me that many times already. To tell you the truth… it’s because I’m afraid I won’t be able to repay them. You know what I’m like. I always calculate favors down to the smallest detail—not one bit more, not one bit less. I’d rather repay more than I owe than leave even a little unpaid. So before I accept anything from someone, I instinctively weigh what it’ll cost.”
“That’s not calculation.”
“That’s avoidance.”
The call ended abruptly.
She knew her phone battery had died.
But she didn’t move.
Standing quietly by herself, she continued speaking even though he could no longer hear her.
“You’re right.
“I am avoiding it.
“I don’t want to owe anyone anything.
“Anyone.”
The bus drove through the darkness.
Cold air seeped into the cabin.
Song Jia Nan closed her eyes and suddenly remembered a passage from an essay she had read long ago.
> “Some people have known each other for years. They understand each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s pasts. They’re as familiar as shadows, yet they never truly enter one another’s hearts.
Others meet for the very first time, and a single glance is enough to make them certain. Even when separated by great distances, their souls remain closely intertwined.
Without words or gestures, they simply stand quietly beside each other, breathing within that strange yet familiar magnetic field.”
Which kind of person was Xi Luoyu?
Or perhaps…
Neither.
Even she didn’t know the answer.
When she emerged from the subway station, the city was still celebrating.
The lights sparkled brilliantly.
Crowds filled the streets.
And beneath the deep night, loneliness quietly rose to its feet, gently embracing everyone wandering through the streets—whether laughing with others or walking alone.
After returning home, she logged onto the internet as usual.
She chatted with friends in the group about the concert for a while, sorted through the manuscripts in her hands, copied them onto a USB drive, reviewed some additional materials, and prepared to take over the unfinished work Wang Kejia had left behind.
Fang Yanyan was probably still working overtime at the newspaper office.
A serious assault case resulting in permanent injury had occurred in a nearby county that afternoon, and it would be enough to keep him busy for quite some time.
Suddenly, she wanted to talk to someone.
Very much.
She didn’t care what they talked about.
She simply wanted someone to talk to.
Yet everyone else seemed to be celebrating Christmas Eve in their own way.
Only she was quietly reminiscing.
After thinking for a while, she changed her QQ status to:
“Some kinds of waiting can’t last forever; they’ve already withered away in my heart.”
Among her friends, only July Fields was online.
She opened the chat window and typed:
“I went to the concert today.”
“How was it?”
“It was moving. Not because everyone was so excited, but because I sat quietly in a corner, remembering the past. Especially during Courage.”
“I was there too.”
Song Jia Nan stared blankly at the screen before smiling.
“Are you a Liang Jingru fan?”
The reply came almost immediately.
“No. I only went to hear two songs—Happy Breakup and Courage.”
“How did it feel?”
“It reminded me of many things. I think… if I get the chance, I’d like to listen to campus folk songs like The Deskmate of Yours again.”
Before she could reply, another message appeared.
“I’ve tried many ways to commemorate those lost years—to listen to songs, to write down memories, to move my own numb heart over and over again. But nothing is more real than making up for the past by living well in the present.”
She slowly typed:
“It’s true that some kinds of waiting can’t last forever. Yet I still selfishly hope that some people can keep waiting for others… because those people wouldn’t have to cross mountains and rivers searching for them.”
“But don’t you think that’s too cruel for the ones doing the waiting?”
“You’re right.
“That’s why it’s only a wish.”
The QQ window fell silent once more.
“Let it snow. Maybe… everything will be better after the next snowfall.”
Before going to bed, Song Jia Nan smiled at her reflection in the mirror.
The girl in the mirror no longer looked innocent or immature.
Her delicate features remained, but they were now mixed with the sharpness and competence of a reporter.
Without realizing it…
Ten years had already passed.
The next morning was her compensatory day off.
She slept until after ten o’clock.
Originally, she had planned to stay curled up in her warm bed until noon.
Instead, a rapid knock at the door interrupted her.
With a sigh, she got dressed and went to answer it.
It was a delivery courier.
The young man smiled as he carried a large box. While searching for the receipt for her signature, he joked,
“Everything we’re delivering today is express mail. It’s Christmas—the season when men try their hardest to spoil women.”
Curious, Song Jia Nan looked at the shipping slip.
Only then did she realize…
This was the Christmas present Xi Luoyu had mentioned.
After the courier left, she carefully opened the package.
Inside lay a teddy bear.
Its shiny black eyes looked straight at her.
She laughed softly.
How had he known she loved this kind of toy?
And that teddy bears, in particular, had always been her favorite?
There wasn’t a single note inside the box.
Then again, someone like Xi Luoyu probably wasn’t the type to leave sentimental messages.
Even so, the adorable teddy bear was already a wonderful Christmas surprise.
She was just about to carry it into her bedroom when another knock sounded gently at the door.
Thinking the courier had returned because he had accidentally left his pen behind, she hurried over to open it.
Instead…
Standing outside her door was Xi Luoyu—
The man who was supposed to be in Beijing.
She was still holding the pen in her hand.
She had intended to hand it back to the courier, so she awkwardly withdrew it instead.
Xi Luoyu smiled teasingly.
“So… is that your Christmas present for me?”
Still unable to process what she was seeing, Song Jia Nan looked at him warily.
“Why are you standing outside my house?”
The man before her smiled.
Song Jia Nan stared blankly at his calm, handsome features.
Even through his glasses, she could clearly see the bright, genuine smile shining from his dark eyes.
“I just wanted to finish what we didn’t get to say last night.”
He paused before smiling gently.
“If you don’t mind…
“…may I come in?”