Chapter 21
“I think I should go to Nuan Nuan’s concert and give myself a chance to truly relax.”
She had put that line in the most noticeable place on her QQ profile. Almost everyone who logged in asked about it. Even Fang Yanyan, who rarely joined in, couldn’t resist teasing her.
“Jia Nan, you should’ve helped me get one of those couples’ tickets back then. Then you could’ve spent a romantic Christmas Eve with my handsome and charming cousin.”
Song Jia Nan nearly sprayed out the mouthful of water she had just taken. She hurriedly replied with a perfectly serious tone.
“I think watching such a heartwarming concert alone is enough. Somehow, sharing in other people’s happiness is also a very happy thing.”
Fang Yanyan didn’t reply for quite a while. Eventually, she sent a crying face emoji.
“I got caught slacking off by Teacher Zhou just now. Boohoo… I told him I was asking you for advice on writing reports, and he actually said, ‘I thought you were playing matchmaker. Since you like writing reports so much, just pick one of today’s hot topics and write about it.’ That’s so unfair.”
Song Jia Nan smiled but didn’t respond. Instead, she opened her QQ Space and carefully wrote:
> “I really like If One Day, but I don’t have the courage to listen to Courage. As for Nuan Nuan, perhaps I’m simply afraid of seeing sweet love. That sweetness, because of my own turmoil and distrust, has become a living hell.
But reality and ideals are always different. So I’ve decided that, at least once in my life, I want to attend Nuan Nuan’s Parade of Love concert. I’ll do my best to make myself believe… or perhaps only by numbing myself can I finally believe.”
Suddenly, the QQ icon that had remained silent for a long time lit up.
A brief message appeared.
“Liang Jingru’s concert?”
It was July Fields.
Without thinking, Song Jia Nan replied,
“Yes. The Parade of Love on Christmas Eve.”
She clicked open the diary entry she had just written and stared at it for a while, letting out a faint sigh. Yet her eyes remained fixed on the chat window.
Black text appeared.
“I read your diary. I actually like If One Day too.”
“Why?”
“The lyrics… ‘If one day we meet again, will time rewind just a little?’ I always wonder how wonderful it would be if time really could turn back. What would it feel like to meet someone you’ve never truly known, yet somehow missed?”
“Honestly, it might sound unbelievable, but I often think there are people you’ve never met in your entire life, yet they exist in your virtual world. Every day they sit across from you, talking with you face to face. It’s a really strange feeling.”
Understanding what he meant, Song Jia Nan smiled and quickly typed back.
“If one day I happened to meet those people on the street, maybe we’d recognize each other. We’d simply exchange a knowing smile and then walk past one another. I think… that kind of feeling would be wonderful.”
“But have you ever thought about it? Suppose there’s someone—I mean someone you don’t know—who’s been talking with you for such a long time. Aren’t you really curious? It’s like having someone accompany you for years, yet you may never know who they are. Don’t you ever want to find out?”
“Someone who’s always been by your side, yet you don’t know who they are.”
Song Jia Nan smiled softly.
Was he talking about her?
Or about the foolish girl she used to be, secretly watching Su Li from afar while he had no idea who she was?
But…
Had Su Li ever wondered who she really was?
Had he truly never known her identity, never once tried to find her, simply intending to let her quietly disappear into silence, so stingy that he wouldn’t even leave her a smile?
Or had he wanted to know who she was, only for every chance encounter between them to end in another missed opportunity?
There was no answer.
Deep down, she knew what the answer probably was, yet it went against what her heart wanted to believe.
In the end, she could only type reluctantly,
“I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve never experienced something like that, I can’t answer. I can only imagine that if the person were truly important to me, I’d do everything I could to find out who they were. But if they were destined to be only a passerby in my life, then I’d slowly forget them as time went by.”
“Is that so? I understand.”
A vague premonition stirred inside her, though she couldn’t explain what she was feeling.
Song Jia Nan stared at the screen for a long while before shutting down the computer. Just as she was about to call her aunt to ask how Song Rui was doing, her phone rang.
It was Xi Luoyu.
It sounded as though he was still walking outside. The wind was fierce, roaring through the receiver, making his voice come in broken fragments.
“I just got out of the law firm. There was so much to deal with today. What are you up to?”
He was simply calling to chat, but somehow her mood brightened instantly. Even her voice became gentler.
“I just turned off my computer. I was about to call Song Rui. I upset the little girl last time, so I’m thinking of buying her something for Christmas to make it up to her.”
“Oh? Trying to cheer Song Rui up? That little troublemaker doesn’t need comforting. It won’t work anyway—she’ll just keep giving you the cold shoulder. If you ask me, just ignore her. Once she gets bored, she’ll come clinging to you herself.”
Song Jia Nan burst into laughter.
“Why do I get the feeling you’re very experienced in dealing with enemies? Did you study psychology?”
“Haha, I did study a bit of criminal psychology. By the way, what are your plans for Christmas?”
She hesitated for a moment.
Then, against her true wishes, she answered,
“I don’t know. The newspaper office might have some event, maybe everyone will go out for dinner together. That’s pretty much the tradition every year.”
The laughter of children suddenly drifted from his side of the phone. It sounded as though he had reached People’s Square. His voice became much clearer.
“Poor me. I’ll be away on a business trip over Christmas. I wonder if I should hang my Christmas stockings on the airplane.”
Song Jia Nan laughed heartily. She casually pushed open the balcony door and stepped outside.
“Yeah. By then, all the beautiful flight attendants will probably be racing to stuff your stockings full of gifts. Maybe when you wake up, you’ll be buried under presents. By the way, where are you going?”
“Beijing.”
From the fifteenth floor, the wind outside was growing stronger and colder.
The winter nights of Jiangnan were long and melancholy, filled with loneliness and emptiness.
Cars occasionally passed below, their headlights stretching into shimmering ribbons of light before disappearing in an instant.
Suddenly, she didn’t know what to say.
The silence on the other end seemed to melt into the cold darkness as well.
Then Xi Luoyu spoke quietly.
“Actually… this isn’t so bad.”
“Hm?”
She still seemed unable to shake off the chill of the winter night and answered absentmindedly.
“Talking like this feels nice. Are you outside too? The wind’s pretty strong. Winter’s always like this here. If we could have hot pot tonight—with the room warm and steamy while it’s freezing outside—that would be wonderful.”
“Oh, right! I still owe you that tomato hot pot!”
A soft laugh came from the other end. He sounded genuinely happy.
“Song Jia Nan, you can’t keep backing out. You may escape the first day, but you won’t escape the fifteenth. Otherwise, I’ll have to defend my dignity with the law.”
“Lawyer Xi, that line is so cheesy it could kill someone. Fine. When you get back, I’ll treat you to hot pot.”
She was about to say goodbye and reached for the button to end the call when his gentle voice stopped her.
“Stay a little longer. I just want to hear your voice. We don’t even have to talk. This… is enough.”
Her heart trembled.
Memory was such a strange thing.
The long years suddenly seemed much shorter, and scene after scene from the past returned vividly before her eyes.
When had it begun?
Every day, she had grown accustomed to receiving a text message on time.
Later, it became phone calls.
At almost the same moment each day, her phone would ring, and a bright, familiar male voice would say,
“Song Jia Nan, nothing’s wrong. I just… um… wanted to ask how you’ve been. And… hear your voice.”
Back then, she would walk across the lawn bathed in sunshine, climb the long flight of steps toward the ivy-covered teaching building, a stack of heavy books tucked under one arm while holding her phone in the other.
A faint smile lingered at the corners of her lips as she spoke to him, almost as though she were talking to herself.
“I’m going to the library to borrow some books. The sunshine is wonderful today. The clouds look just like cotton candy—soft and fluffy. I really want to lie down in the sun. I just want to give this weather a huge bear hug!”
“Heh, Song Jia Nan, you lazy bum.”
…
Perhaps she had simply become too used to being cared for like that.
Then one day, when she lifted her head from the thick pile of books, that familiar number never lit up on her screen again.
In that instant, her heart felt completely hollow, filled with nothing but an icy draft.
The real people who had once existed in her life…
And the people who had existed only in illusion…
In the end, they were all just dreams.
In her world, Su Li—the one who had received all the love of her youth—and Duan Jiachen—the one she had trusted with all her heart—had both slowly drifted away in different ways.
Only when she looked back did she realize that so many years had already passed.
If the beauty of the beginning and the warmth of the present could not coexist…
How was one supposed to choose?
In the spring of 2004, when Song Jia Nan saw the first ray of sunshine after the rain resting in her palm, she silently told herself:
Forget the beauty of the beginning.
Treasure the warmth of the present.
But that summer, a letter quietly appeared in her mailbox.
> “Song Jia Nan, perhaps neither of us has ever truly experienced love, so we never understood what it really was. We mistook this understanding and concern for love.
Maybe we were both wrong. Maybe what we insisted on wasn’t love at all, but simply a friendship—and a family-like affection—that had grown over time.
When habit becomes friendship, and friendship becomes family…
Love quietly fades away.
Perhaps…
Love never existed between us.”