Chapter 4: Primary School Chapter (3)

I don’t know if every primary school has this tradition—that there’s a set-topic essay on the final exam called “My Ideal.”

The more outrageous primary school students write: “I want to be Ultraman,” “I want to be Super Wings,” “I want to be a masked bandit.”

The more ambitious ones write about various professions: writer, painter, scientist, explorer, gourmet…

Some even write: “My ideal is to be a parent.”

As for me, having lived two lives, I only have one ideal: to live happily.

On the day of the final exam, I was probably a bit sleepy. Without thinking much, I started writing:

“My ideal is to be an ordinary Beta. Ordinary people can have wonderful lives too… blah blah blah…”

And wouldn’t you know it, things just had to turn out like this.

After we moved up a grade, our new Chinese teacher was a very emotional male Beta. On the first day of school, he read my essay aloud in front of all the students in the grade, praising me to the skies and saying I had the potential to be a literary giant.

I…

I just want to shout help again. Social death is nothing more than this.

So all the students in our grade learned: that super A class monitor of Class 1, Grade 2 actually wants to be a Beta!

Excuse me, who spread that rumor! How am I super A? I’m really delicate and weak, okay?

They even split into two factions.

One faction thought my thinking was incorrect and came at me in groups to tell me the benefits of being an Alpha, blah blah blah… persistently brainwashing me, insisting I must become an Alpha.

Good heavens, that’s not something I can decide even if I am brainwashed, is it?

The other faction was convinced I would become a high-quality Alpha with strong egalitarian ideals and no Alpha cancer—even more to look forward to.

So you’ve all decided I’ll differentiate into an Alpha, right?

I’m starting to suspect I can’t grow tall because of all the tall hats they keep putting on my head—the pressure!

Forgot to mention, my childhood friend Ji Yichen—oh no, I should call him Xie Yichen now—his biological dad Xie Bixing is really something else.

After that kindergarten incident, he still occasionally came to my house with Little Ji Gege and Xie Yichen. Before leaving, without fail, he’d bring up wanting to be my godfather.

Even though this person didn’t seem to have a very good brain, he seemed pretty sincere.

Later, my parents actually agreed to let Xie Bixing be my godfather.

So my Little Ji Gege became my god-daddy, and little Xie Yichen became my little brother.

Every holiday, the Xie family liked to take me to their home to play (coax) with (the) toys (child).

This kid Xie Yichen—the more he grew, the more handsome he really became, but also the more delicate.

He could get sunburned just playing ball at the beach, was allergic to peanuts and shrimp, and later developed a bit of a germaphobe habit, occasionally telling me to go wash my hands and not bring bacteria near him.

Poor me, a cute little flower bud of the motherland, when playing with delicate little Xie Yichen, directly switched to old-mommy mode.

I’m starting to get scared, friends.

My pretty little brother—he’s not going to turn into a male younger sister in the future, is he?!

Hiss.

No male younger sisters! No male younger sisters!

The world really is small.

Right next to the Xie family villa is the Jin family.

Yes, that Jin—Jin Xianxian’s Jin.

That day, little Xie and I were playing frisbee with Fugui when I suddenly heard an excited cry: “Kuikui! Is that you?”

I turned around and saw two little beauties.

The taller one, needless to say, was the Jin Xianxian I knew.

The slightly shorter one was also very pretty—small face, slender limbs, snow-white skin, like a little elf.

At their feet was a big, plump white duck. I guessed it was Happy.

Fugui reacted faster than me. Before I could even greet the two little beauties, he enthusiastically went to say hello to Happy.

A flurry of duck flying and dog jumping ensued.

In the end, it was actually Fugui who lost.

I suspect Happy has warrior-goose ancestry.

Jin Xianxian held the big duck Happy and introduced her: “This is my little sister Jiajia. I told you about her.”

Then she introduced me to the little elf Jin Jiajia: “This is Li Kui, Kuikui. Happy’s mommy is her.”

Wait, when did I become this duck’s mommy?

Who knew Jiajia stared at me for a while and then suddenly burst into tears: “Didn’t we agree I was Happy’s mommy? Sister is a bad egg! Liar!”

Little Xie also chimed in from the side: “Kuikui is Fugui’s mommy!”

I…

Help!

Coaxing children is hard.

Coaxing three pretty little children is even harder.

Once you learn to coax children, you’ll instinctively become a skilled scumbag.

Topic-changing deflection technique, pie-in-the-sky drawing technique, sweet-talk praise technique, water-balancing technique, and so on—all must be at your fingertips.

Topic-changing—”Why is Fugui’s butt red? Wow, is Happy that fierce?”

Pie in the sky—”My fault. I should have given you two eggs back then. I forgot about little sister. I’ll make it up to her with a welcome gift later~~~”

Sweet talk—”Such a pretty little sister. Have I seen you somewhere before? Are you a little fairy? Little fairies can’t cry, okay~”

Water-balancing summary—”I can’t be their mommy. Only you two are the ones who love them most. You love them, and I’ll love you. That’s enough!”

A flurry of operations fierce as a tiger, but the battle record reads two kills five deaths.

“Happy isn’t fierce at all! It’s this dog who bullied our Happy first!” Jin Jiajia stopped crying and instead glared at me aggressively, the little elf turning into a protective little fighting cock.

“Why did you give her two but only give me one?” This was unhappy little Xie.

“Why is your love so broad?” This was puzzled Jin Xianxian.

Well, my first attempt at being a “scumbag” failed. I guess I don’t have that talent?

I absolutely refuse to admit it’s because my reactions were too greasy!

Fortunately, children’s attention shifts quickly.

Within a few minutes, we forgot what happened before. Leading Fugui on the left and carrying Happy on the right, we happily went to little Xie’s game room to play with Legos.

You ask who was holding a dog in the left hand and a duck in the right?

It could only be me!

These three pretty kids had unified their front—they wanted me to bond with Fugui and Happy. They, on the other hand, let go and went off to play.

Sigh, life is hard. Kuikui sighs.